i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
