she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
