I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
