I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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