Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
