i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
