The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
