My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
