I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
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BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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