Already got asked if we're dating
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
