I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
