PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
