I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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