Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
