Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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