god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize