the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
