her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
look no pants
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
