Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My liver just broke up with me...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
