I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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