My cat gives me a boner
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
