Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
