I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
