I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
