Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
