I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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