omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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