Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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