Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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