You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
