I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
