I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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