That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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