Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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