The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
