My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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