My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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