I love black thongs
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
