I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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