i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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