Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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