And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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