Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
