i love accidental penises.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
