Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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