Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
