Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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