Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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