I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
