i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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