I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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