If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
