I got chris browned last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
