sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
