i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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