I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
