hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
this boner is exhausting
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Your penis caused this!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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