Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
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It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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