I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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