apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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