My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
